My Fictional Interview with Travis Hafner

I haven't talked to Big Daddy Haf, but if I did, I imagine it'd go something like this:


Me: So, do you mind if I call you BDH for short?
BDH: Nah, it's cool.
Me: Super, now let's get down to the nitty-gritty.
BDH: Yes, let's...
Me: You totally cut me off, but based on your size, I'll let it slide.
BDH: I get that a lot.
Me: Speaking of which, you're a really big dude...how's that workin out for ya?
BDH: Well, it helps me hit baseballs far, and one time it actually led someone to believe that I have a very large penis.
Me: Yeah.......does that mean you don't?
BDH: It's enormous.
Me: Thought so. Moving on, you've hit 5 grand slams before the all-star break, which makes you the only guy to ever do that, how freakin sweet is that?
BDH: I know, pretty cool. Not only that though, the rising popularity has led to interview that didn't actually happen, just like this one.
Me: Does this guy know how to party or what?! OK, correct me if I'm wrong, but despite being one of the lower-paid super-sluggers at the moment, you're looking at a huge contract ahead of you, right?
BDH: Yeah, I really hope it comes soon...
Me: You seem concerned, what happened to the $2.7 million you're making this season?
BDH: Well, I spent most of it getting the tank that I drove over here in, and I spent the rest on the gas to get here...so it looks like we're gonna be chilin together for a while.
Me: My bed isn't big enough for both of us...that is, unless we spoon real close.
BDH: Deal!
Me: Wow, who knew that being so gay in high school baseball would transfer all the way to the pros? awesome. I guess the only other thing I can think of to ask you about is that whole All-Star thing and how AJ Pierfaggot got voted in.
BDH: I'm glad you mentioned...because, AJ, I know you're listening out there, and you know as well as I do that when Wrestlemania 21 comes around I'll be waiting for you. You. Me. A 2X4. And 300 square feet of Chain-link fence, Pierzynski...and it will be ...Hell....In a Cell.....