Monday, January 07, 2008

God to Ohio; "You're right."

In an incredibly rare press conference Sunday night, the eve of the BCS National Championship, God told the Associated Press "I really don't like Ohio."
Ohioans have speculated for decades that the Almighty was not a fan, due to the cruelty with which He's treated the local sports teams - a point driven home by the fact that He was wearing an LSU hat, Florida Gators long-sleeve shirt, Red Sox t-shirt, San Antonio Spurs warm-ups, a Steelers Super Bowl ring, and Air Jordans, circa 1989.
"It's not just the sports," added God, "when the weather hits Monday, you're gonna be pissed." Shortly after these comments were made, the predicted temperatures in Ohio jumped into the upper 60s for January 7th.
Pissed off resident Dale Munson is one of many who are not thrilled with the recent developments. "I've been telling people for years that God hates us. He always makes our teams lose, He makes sure there's continual construction on the freeways, and anytime the mega millions winner is from Ohio, He makes sure it's a douche-bag."
The Omniscient one had a pre-emptive response for Dale; "Seriously...just move somewhere else and it'll be fine," and with a smile, added "it's like you guys don't get it, I really am out to get you."
The timing couldn't be worse for Ohio State fans, as the state has been unduly tortured lately - what with two Buckeyes national championship losses ("You wouldn't believe the thoughts I heard after those!" said God), plus the Cavaliers losing in the NBA Finals ("That one was mean, My bad."), and the Indians' painful collapse in the ALCS this past year ("You guys were convinced you had it...great television right there."). The soon-to-be-played BCS title game, featuring the Buckeyes and LSU Tigers could merely be another chance to torture Ohio. "I've definitely toyed with the idea of screwing them again...I guess you'll just have to wait and see, won't you?"
He then added "but seriously, I already know who's gonna win."